From Dream Home to Breaking Bad

OUR HOUSE IS ON THE NEWS!

It’s 2007, & I’m closing on one of the first listings I’ve ever had. It was NOT an easy sale. An honest description of the amenities would have sounded something like this:

Beautifully positioned on one of the steepest streets in Ellwood, this home offers a difficult-to-mow tiered backyard. You have just enough grass to make it impossible to care for while being unable to use this space for anything enjoyable. Your inspiring view includes the incredible amount of hoard on your neighbor’s front porch & you can fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of the other neighbor’s dog who is perpetually tied outside. This home offers 3 bedrooms, but only 2 of them are easily accessible. The 3rd bedroom is positioned in a way that you have to walk through someone else’s bedroom to get there. The basement is a stand-out feature. Those under 5′ tall will surely appreciate the cozy ceilings & prohibitive headspace as well as the water feature that flows from the back wall. This home offers a bonus room for those who may explore the unpopular hobby of kidnapping. This creepy room is lockable from the outside, offers a musty fragrance & provides a dungeon-like feel.

How’s that for a property description?!

I ended up having this house on the market for over a year, & still… no buyers. Until one day, one of my fellow-Realtor friends brought her clients to give it a peek. They put in an offer, & my seller eagerly accepted! My friend even said that they spent quite a bit of time in the basement & mentioned that it “was perfect.” I shrugged off the comment, too excited that I was finally able to help my seller unload this home!

In this business, I’ve met people from all walks of life. I wasn’t alarmed when the buyers were… less than friendly. I didn’t bat an eye when I heard that they were transferring from a completely different state in the middle of the US to our little Ellwood City community without any family or friends or job prospects. I was completely unphased when I found out that the buyers weren’t even buying the house, it was one of the parents who footed the cash for the transaction.

It was closed! Done! Finito! I’d never have to struggle to make an attractive flier or sit another freezing open house at that property again! I didn’t ever want to hear that address for as long as I lived!

Which is why I was extra unhappy when I was awakened on a Saturday by an early morning phone call. My Realtor friend was shouting into the phone, “TURN ON THE NEWS RIGHT NOW! OUR HOUSE IS ON THE NEWS!!!!!!!” I flicked on the TV. I was all too familiar with that home’s facade – having seen it on fliers & postcards & marketing that I’ve made for over a year. I always tried to make the house look attractive, but the news took off all of the make-up. It looked very different with caution tape around the front porch, & the cameraman almost went out of his way to position the neighboring porch in the background – adding to the Sandford & Son appeal.

Apparently, that basement was the “perfect” setting… for a meth lab.